


Toxic

by Kiskillingit



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Sexual Assault, Bullying, Childhood Through Adulthood, Homophobia, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, check the notes for tw, enforced gender roles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 07:53:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15310905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiskillingit/pseuds/Kiskillingit
Summary: Tyler was always told to 'man up'. From his parents to his peers, the pressure wouldn't let up. But one Josh Dun helps him come to terms with himself and his old friends.(aka toxic masculinity was ticking me off and sorry what are gender roles)





	Toxic

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I've been sitting on this one for a long time and I'm honestly really excited to post it! 
> 
> I'm terrible at tagging so please let me know if you think I missed something and I'll fix ASAP.
> 
> **TW: homophobic language, bullying, sexual assault (it's not _super_ graphic but definitely there and about a page long) **
> 
> Please be careful and if you have questions about the trigger warnings don't hesitate to contact me and I'll discuss/detail it a bit more! Thanks guys <3

**7 years old**

Tyler was ready for his first day of day camp for the summer, and couldn't be more pleased with himself. He had put on his favourite blue shirt but was appalled to find all he had were blue jeans for clean pants. He had once overheard his friend Marks older sister insist that anyone who wore the same coloured top as bottoms would never make friends. Also that red and pink stink. And Mark’s sister was eleven, double digits, so she knew everything.

Tyler was determined to make friends this week at day camp, he only had one after all, and that one was Mark. Mark was always gone at school it seemed and Tyler, who was homeschooled was constantly bored. So he went to his sister's room to find something to wear instead of his blue jeans. Despite his sister being quite a bit younger than him, Tyler was still so small, having got his mum's genes, that he figured he could fit into Maddy's clothes just fine.

Or so he thought. He tried to pull on Maddy's green pants but found he really couldn't get them up over his thighs. Frustrated, he put them back and kept rummaging through her dresser until he came across a nice, knee length, skirt! And it was black! He pulled it up over his racecar themed boxers and smiled at himself in the mirror on the wall. He thought he looked great! 

He waltzed down the stairs proud of himself for finding an outfit that would look impressive. His mood dropped when he walked into the kitchen, small feet padding on cold tile, and his father slammed his coffee cup onto the table and narrowed his eyes. 

“Who on earth gave you the idea that wearing that is appropriate, Tyler?! I told you to get dressed, and I meant properly.”

Tyler frowned, quite confused at what was wrong. “But I am dressed, Dad.” 

“Hah are you a girl, Tyler?” The taunting tone his father used made Tyler’s stomach drop.

“No!” Tyler huffed and stomped his foot on the ground. 

“Don't yell at me!” His father shouted before calming himself down with a deep breath. “Only girls wear skirts. Go put on some pants.”

“My pants don't match my shirt! I want to wear this so I can make friends.” Tyler insisted, tears starting to form in his eyes.

“No one will want to be your friend if you're wearing a skirt, Tyler, nobody. And don't forget that either, I never want something like this happen again,” He father said his voice low and serious, “Now stop snivelling and put some pants on. Unless you're a girl now,” He huffed an unamused laugh and turned his attention back to his newspaper. 

Tyler went to day camp with blue jeans and a blue shirt and eyes rubbed red from crying. And sure enough Tyler didn’t make any friends, and he blamed it on his blue pants and blue shirt.

 

**12 years old**

Tyler, and his little brothers Zack and even baby Jay, got their hair cut religiously every month. Their father would take them into a hairdresser and get it buzzed in a number two taper. This is just what they were used to, but this time Tyler asked his father if he could just skip this one instead insisting he liked the length. His father was tired from work and allowed it. 

A month after that Tyler again asked to skip his haircut and again Mr. Joseph's eyes grew dark.

“Why don't you want to cut your hair, Tyler?”

Tyler shrugged from where he was lounging on the couch, “I dunno I want it to get long.”

“No son of mine will have long hair, you're not a fag are you? Only fags and women have long hair.”

“A, a fag?” Tyler's mouth formed the strange word, “what's that?”

“A gay, Tyler, a homosexual.”

“Am I a gay, dad? Cause I do want long hair,” Tyler wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying, he just wanted to not cut his hair and he certainly didn't intend to anger his father. 

Mr. Joseph let out a cough of surprise and grabbed his song by the shoulder, the boy tried to squirm out of his painful grip but couldn't. 

“Look at me, Tyler Robert Joseph, and know that you will never be gay. If you try to tell me you're one of those disgusting homos you will never be welcome in this house. That is a sin and do you want to burn in hell?” He gave Tyler a rough shake, “Do you?”

Tyler, eyes wide in fear, shook his head quickly. 

“Do you want to be a girl, Tyler?”

Tyler again shook his head.

“Boys don't have long hair.”

Tyler hated his haircut. 

 

**15 years old**

It was Tyler's first day of highschool and he couldn't be more excited, not only was it his first day of highschool but it was actually his first day of school ever. He had been homeschooled all his life, and even missed the first year of highschool but here he was about to enter grade ten in a real school. His first day went great, he had talked to a few people and couldn't be more ready for his classes to really get started. Because it was the first day, he had to sign up for clubs and sports teams. 

He saw one club that was music based and the pamphlet even said he didn't have to know anything about music before joining and that the experienced members would help the new ones learn. A very friendly boy named Patrick invited him to join it and promised that all the people in it were also super friendly so he signed up feeling good about his decision. 

At dinner that night his father brought up Tyler's first day of school. “So, Tyler, how was your first day?”

“Very good.” Tyler answered simply. His father had become very testy as of late and he didn't want to accidentally put him in a bad mood.

“Which sports team did you choose to join?” 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows in confusion wondering if that was something he was supposed to do. “I didn't.” He said slowly, “Was I supposed to?” The rest of the family at the table had stopped chatting and eating as they noticed the glare Mr. Joseph had focussed on Tyler.

“What, you just won't do any extra activities? You just don't want a basketball scholarship? Do you think I'm going to pay for post secondary?”

Tyler shook his frantically and tried to defend himself by explaining that he had joined a music club instead. “I am still doing an extra activity! And there are music scholarships too, so I'm not being selfish I promise.”

“A music club!” His father sputtered before standing up, leaving his dinner half eaten and working around the table to Tyler who was frozen to his seat in fear. “A word with you in my study, Tyler. Now!”

Tyler followed behind his father trying to work out exactly what he'd done wrong this time. He knew by now that a word in his father's study meant deep trouble. 

“Sit.” His father ordered to Tyler after closing his door. Mr. Joseph perched himself on his desk, facing Tyler who had indeed taken a seat on the couch in the room and just prayed that it would swallow him alive. 

“What is wrong with you, Tyler? Why the fuck would you think a music club is the right idea! Men play sports,” his father noticed Tyler wasn't looking at him and yelled, “Look at me boy, and don't you fucking dare cry.”

Tyler bit his cheek to try to help him keep his tears at bay and made eye contact with his father. 

“Men play sports, that's how it works. Unless you're some kind of faggot or a girl you should not be in music club. Don't you want a girlfriend, Tyler?” 

Tyler shrugged a bit and again dropped his gaze. Lately he had been wondering just why he didn't. 

When he felt his father's calloused hand grab his jaw and forcefully force his face upwards so he was looking at his father he let out a small cry of both surprise and pain. 

“Look at me when I am talking to you!” His father yelled, “What the fuck does a shrug mean? Use your fucking words.” His father forcefully let go of Tyler's jaw, throwing his head to the side in doing so. 

Tyler couldn't hold back the tears any longer and soon they were falling freely. He did not expect the slap that followed, hitting his cheek and leaving a resonating sound to echo the room. 

“Y-you hit me,” said in disbelief looking at his father through his tears. 

“God, you brought me to it, Tyler. Why is it so hard for you to understand to that you just have to man up! You are my son, but you act more like my daughter! Stop being a bitch, stop crying, and I swear to god if you don't switch to the basketball team tomorrow there's more where that came from.” His father rubbed at his eyes as though Tyler was causing him a great stress. “Why did you make me do that?”

“M’sorry dad, I'll- I'll talk to the coach t-tomorrow.” 

“Damn right you will, now stop stuttering and get out.” 

Tyler nodded and rushed out of the room and into the one he shared with Zack who thankfully didn't try to talk to him. 

Tyler hated both years he played basketball. 

 

**17 years old**

In his last year of highschool Tyler didn't sign up for basketball. Of course he told his father he did, but Mr. Joseph had stopped showing up to any of his games and hardly ever asked about the team so he thought for sure that he could get out of it this year. Of course his father would notice if he wasn't staying late at school for practice anymore so he did take up another after school activity, one he’d had his eye on since he first started school.

“Hey, Patrick!” It was the first day of grade 12, and Tyler hunted down the boy who had talked to him on his first day of grade 10. It wasn't like Patrick wouldn't know who he was, he knew he had been something of a big shot last year, being captain of the school’s basketball team. 

Patrick spun around and narrowed his eyes in what looked like a mix of confusion and suspicion, wondering what Tyler Joseph of all people would want with him. 

“Hey, Patrick, you talked to me about the school’s music club a few years ago, remember?”

Patrick snorted and crossed his arms, “Yeah and you signed up then blew us off cause you were too cool for that, Mr. captain of the basketball team.”

Tyler frowned and looked down at his feet as he shuffled his shoes. 

“I, um, it wasn't my fault,” he started with and when Patrick rolled his eyes he continued, “I mean like my dad made me switch to basketball. And, um, I told him I'm doing basketball again this year, but I hate basketball. I wanna, like, make music.” 

Patrick gave in and nodded and Tyler eagerly filled out the application form. “Thank you so much, Patrick, I really appreciate the second chance!”

“Just don't blow us off again, okay?” Patrick asked and Tyler nodded enthusiastically, “I promise,” he said.

Tyler had never been happier than when he was making music in the club and only wished he had gotten to start with them back in grade 10. 

After the first week the bullying began. 

The basketball team was pissed that he quit because it made them look bad. It started as name calling and being shoved around in the hallways but by mid october it had gotten far worse. 

Tyler had started bringing a change of clothes to school. He brought clothes he liked wearing but couldn’t let his dad see. Like skinny jeans. And tight fitted shirts with flowers on them. 

November was the worst. Halloween night Tyler had followed Brendon to a party but he got pulled away, literally dragged away and into a bedroom in the house. Most of the basketball team was waiting inside for him. They locked the door and then the new captain, a blonde kid named David Sprout, proceeded to shove Tyler into it. 

“Listen here, Joseph.” He pulled Tyler back and slammed him back again, the doorknob stabbing painfully into Tylers side.

“I’m sick of this bullshit game you’re playing. You quit the team and then out yourself as a fuckin’ fag? We’re done. Here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna beat the shit out of you, and you’re gonna sit here and take it. And then everyday after school till you fuckin’ quit that fag-fest we’re gonna do it again, got it?”

Tyler narrowed his eyes, “No. I’m not quitting.”

“What are ya gonnna do? Ask for help? I’ll phone up daddy and tell him you quit. Don’t think we don’t know he doesn't.”

“Of course my father knows I quit,” Tyler bluffed. He knew they wouldn’t buy it but he was getting desperate as panic and fear had long since settled in his bones.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Dave pulled his fist back and before Tyler could even register what was happening his fist collided into his stomach, knocking all his breath away.

Tyler was thrown onto the ground and it only took a second for someone's foot to hit his ribs. 

“Leave his face alone he’s gotta cover it all up.” Was the last thing Tyler really registered hearing as the boys eagerly had their turn throwing punches and launching kicks. 

Tyler woke up alone the next day and in more pain that he imagined possible. He could barely sit up without whimpering out loud. He managed to locate his phone, screen broken and device discarded under a dresser. 

He googled what broken ribs felt like and what to do about them without going to a hospital. 

It was a sunday, and nearly noon and he started crying when he realized he had missed church. His parents were going to kill him. 

He didn’t know what to do, his entire body ached and he had no way to explain things to his parents without getting himself in more trouble. And the prospect of this happening every single school day until june was overwhelming. But he had promised Patrick! Besides, these were the first real friends Tyler had ever made and he’d be damned if he gave them up without a fight.

But everything hurt, inside and out, and here is the first time Tyler ever found himself wanting to kill himself. He spent hours alone in that room just wallowing in his pain and thinking of the different ways he could do it. Brendon was the one who found him and Tyler managed to fake off his inability to walk and the pathetic pained whimpers he made as a killer hangover. 

Brendon may have let it go but he would never say he believed him. 

Tyler reached home at 3pm on that sunday. His father's car wasn’t in the driveway and Tyler felt a wave of relief. His mother was nothing compared to his father. 

 

“Tyler Robert Joseph! You are in deep trouble.” His mother seethed at him as soon as he had shut the door behind him. 

“I know. I’m so sorry, mom, but please let me explain!” Tyler begged.

“Sit.” 

Tyler obeyed and sat himself across from his mother. 

“I was out with the basketball team. The whole team went, the coach paid, it was a reward for how well we’ve been doing in practice and I’m the captain mom I had to go. And then this morning we got up early and started some drills and no one even realised how much time had passed until past noon and we were in the north so I just got back here.” Tyler spewed lie after lie out of his mouth. He had definitely given his cover story some thought on the way over and decided that this would be his best route. 

“Oh Tyler, how could you be so foolish? Your dad's gonna have your hide when he gets home tonight.” she almost sounded sad for him but he didn't think on it too long and just went to his room. 

His father got home just before dinner and Tyler just tried to tune it out as his father screamed at him. He felt sick by the end of it and was glad his father had taken away his dinner privilege because he knew he wouldn't be able to stomach it anyways. 

The next day at school he counted his blessings that nothing went further than taunts and shoves but he still felt like crap from it. His friends at music club noticed but didn't say anything. 

The basketball kids, well about 4 of them, had started a bit of a schedule with Tyler. They'd find him sometime during the day, when no one else was around, and they'd rough him up a bit. But that wasn't what hurt Tyler the most. No they'd make him say something to make them stop and if he gave in too easily they'd make him yell it. It was humiliating. 

“I’m not though! I swear.” Tyler would cry. 

Brock would line up another kick to Tyler's chest, “Say you're a faggot or stop hanging out with those homos.” 

“I'm not I promise. They're just my friends.” It took a few weeks before Tyler stopped resisting. 

The boys would hit him, but never on the face.   
“I-II'm a f-faggot… Please stop now! Dave we were friends.” His back against the wall and his hands wrapped around his torso defensively. 

“Yeah we were, Joseph, but don't forget you fucking left the team and made us all look like shit! You know my dad asked if I was gay cause I told him you became a fucking fag and he thought it might have rubbed off on me? You hangin’ with the queers makes us look queer.” Dave ended his rant by spitting on Tyler's face and walking away, his cronies following behind him. 

Tyler was miserable for months. But Dave assured him that if he told anyone, ANYONE, then his dad would hear about him quitting. They'd tell him he was gay even if he insisted he wasn't. 

Brendon bugged him constantly on why he seemed so distant. Why he winced anytime he had to shift positions or walk. 

On February 14th, Valentine's day, the team cornered him in the men's washroom, locking the door behind them. Brock, Dave, Kyle, and Avery. 

Avery pressed him against the wall and pressed his hand against Tyler's mouth while he used his other arm to hold down one of Tyler's arms. Kyle held his other arm. 

“Happy Valentine's day, Tyler, we’ve got a gift for you.” Dave said.

“Betcha you think it hot, huh, Joseph?” Dave asked, voice laced with malice. “You say you're a faggot everyday yet you still don't believe it. You always say you aren't but you're a music bitch and you hang out with Urie and Stump.”

Tyler was shaking his head as much as he could in Averys grasp. 

“We gotta prove it to you. It's our duty.” Dave added.

For the first time Tyler was genuinely scared. In fact he was so terrified he could feel panic bubbling up in his chest. 

He shut his eyes. He had to block this out. Dave's hand over his pants made him cry and try to wiggle out of the grip of the other boys holding him to the wall. It hurt when Dave squeezed. 

“Dude too fucking far.” Brock spat in disgust, “You said we were just gonna scare him!” He shook his head, unlocked the door, and left. 

“If you're actually straight we won't bug you anymore.” Dave explained, “But we gotta be sure first.” 

Tyler screamed through the hand over his mouth when he felt his belt be unbuckled. He bit down on the hand. Avery shouted, “Motherfuck!” And punched him across the jaw then used his hair to slam his head back against the wall twice. 

“Please stop, Dave, I'll do what you want just stop!” Tyler begged before Avery put his hand back on his mouth. 

“You gonna get hard, Joseph?” Dave's hand was in his pants. 

“You're disgusting Dave. I'm getting a teacher.” Kyle said before dropping Tyler’s arm and running out of the bathroom. That's what it took to get Dave to finally back away from Tyler and take off after Kyle. 

“Get back here fucker!” 

“You'd have gotten there if Kyle wasn't a snitch. We know you're a homo.” Avery spat before leaving after Dave. 

Tyler was in shock. He collapsed to the ground and just sobbed. With shaky hands he zipped up his pants and fastened his belt before stumbling to the toilet to throw up. 

received: 01/12 1:58: David Sprout  
I'm not finished with you fag kill yourself or get fucked 

Tyler read the text and broke into a full blown panic attack. Rocking back and forth and crying the bell went off and Tyler ignored it. 

sent: 01/12 2:13: David Sprout   
I swear to god I won't talk to them again please leave me alone

received: 01/12 2:42: David Sprout   
Even look at the queers again and I'm calling your daddy.

Tyler kept true to his word. He spent the rest of the year hiding from Avery and Dave but also from the best friends he'd ever had. 

His dad still found out and Tyler had a hard time writing his English diploma with his dominant arm in a cast. 

He threw away his floral robe, his skinny jeans, his mascara, everything that wasn't sports shorts and tshirts. 

He forced himself to play at home. 500 baskets or else he wouldn't let himself eat. It was his way of trying to fix himself, of man-ing himself up.

 

**20 years old**

This was Tyler's first girlfriend, though he wouldn't tell anyone that of course, because like his father said, real men dated girls. Real men wanted to have sex with woman that's how it was supposed to work.

The girl he was dating now was named Jenna and she seemed perfectly sweet and so when she asked him to ask her out he did, and now they were dating? He wasn't nearly as excited as he supposed he should have been. 

His father was ecstatic, however, so Tyler felt that this was surely what he wanted even if it didn't feel like it yet. 

He did like Jenna, but when, three months into their relationship, she told him she loved him he broke into tears. 

“It's alright if you don't want to say it yet, Ty, I don't mind.” She said, and he thanked her profusely.

They had kissed, even though Tyler felt quite uncomfortable with the act, but they hadn't had sex yet. Jenna certainly made the advances, but even more than light kisses made Tyler turn heel and run. She addressed this on their six month the anniversary, asking him if he was waiting until marriage or if there was something wrong with her.

“I-I- It's not you Jenna, I just don't feel sexual attraction to you, but you are beautiful, it's just me.”

Jenna narrowed her eyes, “Are you gay or something?”

Tyler felt his stomach sink. Why this again? He didn't understand why everyone thought he was gay. 

He didn't understand why that would be such an awful thing. 

“O-of course not, Jenna, why would you say that?” He stuttered out. 

“You're such a girl, Tyler! Like, come on, you cry more than I do, you never watch sports, you always wear those god awful skinny jeans, I swear some days I think you're wearing my pants! And now you said you aren't attracted to me, and I'm not trying to be obnoxious but I do know I am an attractive woman. You almost ran away screaming that time I put your hands on my tits.” Jenna was yelling by the time she finished and Tyler had his head hanging in shame. 

“I feel like the husband of this relationship, Tyler. And stop feeling sorry for yourself, I swear to god you need to get over yourself and grow a pair.” She huffed in frustration before grabbing her phone off the table and leaving Tyler's apartment. 

An hour later Tyler got a text from Jenna reading,

-We’re done, Ty, call me when you decide to be a real man-

 

**25 years old**

Joshua Dun was, undoubtedly, Tyler's best friend. They had met only a year ago but Tyler felt a connection with Josh that he couldn't place a finger on. Josh was the one who helped Tyler feel comfortable being his own person, Josh was the one who would assure Tyler he was cared for no matter what. 

Josh didn't care when Tyler wore vans with flowers on them.

Josh didn't threaten to kick him out of the house when he wore skinny jeans.

Josh didn't call him a bitch or a girl when things got to be too much and the tears would slip out no matter how hard he tried to keep them in. 

The first time Tyler cried in front of Josh was a month into their friendship when Josh walked in on him folding his laundry, and Josh saw the clothes Tyler didn't wear. He didn’t see the t-shirts and sports shorts he usually wore, but his jeans and floral pattern shirts, and all the things he had sworn to never wear again but couldn't help but buy. He started panicking and before Josh could say anything he had fallen into a panic attack, certain Josh was going to run away and never come back or even worse, Josh was going to yell at him or hurt him.

Josh didn't leave though, and practically Tyler had always known Josh wouldn’t hurt him. Instead he talked Tyler through the attack and told Tyler that he cried too and that the other boy could go ahead and let it out freely. Tyler did not, he held back as much as he could, but that wasn't everything. 

Josh didn't care what Tyler wore, and encouraged him to develop his own style. At one point he had asked Tyler why he wouldn't wear the secret outfits in the back of his closest. 

“It's girls clothes,” He had said simply, not taking his eyes off of the screen in front of him. He wouldn't lose at Mario kart ever. 

Josh had taken a long time to reply but eventually said, “They’re not girls clothes.” 

“Yeah they are,” Tyler paused the game this time and looked at Josh with confusion. “Of course they are.”

“Do you wear them?” Josh asked.

Tyler scowled and shook his head, “Of course not, I'm not a girl.”

“If you wore them, and you're a boy, that would make them boys clothes.” 

“That's not how it works.” Tyler insisted.

“Why not? It's fabric, Tyler, it really is that simple.”

“They’re,” Tyler paused, reconsidering what he was going to say, “They're from a girl’s store.”

“I think you meant that they're from a store, Ty, you can shop wherever you want, and you can wear whatever you want.”

Tyler didn't reply, and Josh didn't push it. 

It had been 8 months since that conversation and Tyler had slowly but surely grown more confident in his clothing choices, wearing things he had sworn to never wear again. He went to the mall wearing a flowy white tank top and black skinny jeans and he still felt like a 'real man', because Josh would support him and tell him how handsome he looked. Despite his desire to try it, Tyler still hadn't touched any makeup since his last year of highschool, and he didn't plan to; memories of running mascara after his 'valentines gift’ from his basketball team would never leave his mind.   
He wasn’t afraid of the people who would give him dirty looks or yell disgusting slurs at him anymore though, not with Josh by his side.

Josh always invited Tyler to come along with him when he went out with his friends, but the boy would always say no. He was visiting his friends, they'd been friends since college (Josh didn't go, but Pete had been in college when they met so they went with 'since college'), leaving Tyler to catch up on some Arrested Development at home.

“Yo, Patrick! Pete!” Josh heard Brendon yell, just after he had walked into the Wentz-Stump household. “I found some old high-school pictures!” He continued.

“Now this I gotta see!” Josh said, walking into the living room. Brendon, Patrick, and Pete were all crowded around the dining room table, a number of pictures already out around it. 

“Holy shit music club was so great.” Pete said, “I wish that was still a thing. Shit, hey, Josh, I hella wish you went to highschool with us.”

Josh picked up a picture, a picture taken of the three, Brendon, Patrick, and Pete. “Patrick, you were seriously adorable.” 

“Us three were like the original squad. Plus Tyler, for a while.” He paused then continued, “He was this kid that bailed on us twice. First for the basketball team, asshole, and then the second time was halfway through the year! Didn't really see around at all after that. I thought we had been friends.” Patrick mumbled, picking up another picture and handing it to Josh. This one had the three in the first picture, but it also featured a teenaged Tyler Joseph in it.

“I still worry about where that kid ended up. He had a hard time at home, he never said it, but I could tell. Pretty sure he had anxiety too, maybe even depression.” Brendon said, and paused before shaking his head, “Some of the lyrics he wrote scared me.” 

“Josh?” Patrick poked his shoulder, “You okay?” Josh was staring at the photo, jaw slack. 

“Small world,” he finally said and set down the photo. “My roommate I told you guys about-”

“Yeah the one you're in loooove with,” Brendon smirked. 

“No, maybe, shut up, Brendon. His name's Tyler Joseph and this is definitely him.” He pointed his finger at his best friend in the photo. 

“Ohhhh shit waddup no way!” Pete shouted, “You gotta bring him over here!” 

Patrick frowned, “If he didn't want anything to do with us back then, why would he now?” 

Josh shrugged, “I don't know guys but I kinda feel like he might have had a reason to take off like he did. Plus, y’know, it's been like forever.” 

“Do it.” Pete said and the other two nodded in agreeance. 

A few days later Josh again invited Tyler, and when he predictably declined, Josh insisted. 

“You have to, man, we've been friends for like a year and these guys are pretty much my squad. You'll love them!” 

Tyler squirmed under the pressure, and Josh felt bad for pushing him out of his comfort zone. When Tyler nodded, and said, “Fine.” He couldn't help but pull his friend in for a tight hug.

“You're the best, Ty! I told them we'd be there in an hour.”

“An hour!” Tyler pulled away from Josh's embrace, “I need to get ready!” 

“Hey, if you need more time, we'll be late,” Josh shrugged and Tyler smiled thankfully at him before running up the stairs. 

Josh texted his friends for a little bit before turning off his phone and going upstairs to see how Tyler was doing. He pulled up his hand to knock on Tyler's bedroom door just as the door was pulled open from the inside. 

“Oh, um, I was just gonna come get you,” Tyler mumbled, his face was burning and Josh nodded and followed him into his room.

“What's up, man?” 

Tyler sighed and sat down on the edge of his bed, legs crossed, “I don't know what to wear.” 

They’d been through this before and Josh now knew it went further than being unable to match outfits, or second guessing the dress code. He knew that 'i don't know what to wear’ usually meant Tyler knew what he wanted to wear but was too nervous to wear it. He'd vaguely explained some of his childhood, and how his father had strongly discouraged being 'girly’ to which Josh insisted that being 'girly’ wasn't a thing. 

“I-I don't want them to think less of me.” Tyler mumbled. 

“They won't, Ty, I promise. Wear what you feel comfortable wearing, okay? If you want to wear those-” he pointed to the basketball shorts sitting on the floor where Tyler obviously pulled them out and left them. “Then you can wear them, but if you want to wear jeans and a nice top, you go for it okay? I swear the one guy there has worn more dresses himself than my sister ever had. They aren't like your, um, like that.” 

Tyler sucked in a deep breath and nodded, “You gotta help me pick out something that looks good though. I mean, um, will you please?”

“Of course,” Josh smiled encouragingly. 

Tyler changed into black skinny jeans and Josh looked away, respecting the other boys privacy, then looked back when Tyler asked, “What about this?”

With the jeans, Tyler was wearing a long and light blue tank top, it was made of a thin material so Josh could see Tyler's black chest tattoo and he was sure if he was closer his nipples would almost be visible. The tank top reached down and was cut shorter at the front, barely making it past the tops of his pants, and the back stretched halfway down his thighs. And oh god, yep, when Tyler put his hands above his head.and gave a little twirl Josh's eyes widened at the store of.skin that became visible, giving Josh a nice view of Tyler's happy trail. 

“Jesus Christ, Tyler, you look amazing.” Josh said and Tyler beamed. 

“Really?!”

“Of course, I wouldn't lie to you.” Josh said and Tyler nodded and blushed. 

“I know you wouldn't. What should I do with my hair?”

Josh shrugged, “Whatever you want.”

Tyler fell silent and checked himself out in the mirror for a minute before looking down at his socked feet and grumbling out, “Can I wear one of your hats maybe?”

“Of course! I'll be right back!” Josh jumped up excitedly and ran to his own room to hunt down a hat that would match Tyler's outfit. 

“How about this one?” He asked when he got back, it was a black half mesh snapback with a blue heart in the top corner of it. 

“Thanks so much, Jish, you're amazing.” Tyler said, he now had vans on, and he grabbed the hat and put it on, again critiquing himself in the mirror. 

“How about this?” Josh asked, grabbing his hat and flipping it backwards, letting a tuft of Tyler's hair puff out the front. Tyler smiled and nodded. Together they got into Josh's car and they drove to the Wentz-Stump house. Josh did feel a bit bad for not telling Tyler that his friends used to be Tyler's friends but he really wanted to surprise Tyler, already picturing the smile he was sure would Tyler would present. Maybe some happy tears? He was excited. 

Josh was practically vibrating when they got out of the car, and a big smile was on his face as he knocked on the front door. “Come in!” Came a deep voice from inside and Josh did that exactly, throwing open the door, kicking off his shoes and leading Tyler into the living/dining room. 

He turned to look at Tyler's reaction and felt his heart drop when Tyler's eyes closed in fear and he visibly shrunk back into himself before he turned and ran back towards the front door. 

Brendon looked sad and Patrick angry, causing Pete to wrap a supportive arm around his shoulder. “I knew this was a bad idea! I told you, Josh, he doesn't like us!” 

“No, no, no, this is my fault, I shouldn't have made it a surprise. I should have known he hates surprises, he doesn’t cope well with them.” Josh groaned, “I'll be right back,” he said before turning and running after his best friend already berating himself for his stupidity. 

He found Tyler clawing at his own shoulders seated on the front step, he glared at Josh accusingly when he saw him sit next to him. “You knew didn't you?” 

Josh looked down guiltily, “Only that you guys used to know each other in high-school.” 

Tyler sighed, “It's more than that Josh, we were best friends, fuck, I broke my promise to Patrick. Josh, you don’t, I was such a bad friend, a total douchebag.”

“I don't want to push you, Ty, but if you want to tell me what happened I'll listen.” 

“I-I wanted to join this music club thing when I was like, I dunno how old, but my first year of highschool. But my dad made me join basketball instead, but I hated basketball, I hated it so much. So in grade 12 I told my dad I was doing it again but joined the music club after. Brendon and I were so close, he taught me everything I know about piano. And Patrick was so supportive, always, but I promised him I wouldn't ditch him this time.” 

Tyler stopped talking to breath deeply a few times, something Josh knew was to stave off his anxiety and prevent an attack. “But my old basketball team was pissed at me for ditching them for-for,” he had to top again to take some breaths, and Josh was patient. 

“I can't say it,” his voice cracked this time and he was holding back tears. 

“You don't have to, Ty, it's okay,” Josh wrapped an arm around Tyler and pulled his close. “They're not mad, okay, just come inside.”

“I can't,” Tyler whispered, shaking his head frantically, “Not wearing these clothes.”

“They don't judge, I promise.” 

“They hate me, they have to, I hated me that year, and that's how they remember me.”

Josh felt a stab of sadness at what Tyler said but tried not to let it show, “Then come on in and you can show them who you are now. Let them meet the Tyler that I know, the Tyler that you’ve become.”

It took Tyler a few minutes to respond but when he did it was with a nonverbal nod. Together they stood up, and if Tyler hid himself behind Josh when they walked in, Josh didn't say anything. 

“Sorry, guys, we're back,” Josh said when they got in the main room again and he added an awkward laugh. 

“Umm,” Pete scrambled for something to say, “I'm ordering pizza, if that's cool?” 

Brendon rolled his eyes, “Shut up, Pete. Hey, Tyler, long time no see.” He smiled cautiously.

Tyler was vibrating from anxiety, these were people he wished he never let go of, but also never thought he'd see again. Josh placed a hand on his back and Tyler was surprised to find it actually helped. 

“H-” his voice gave out, “Hi Brendon. Patrick, Pete.” He dug his nails into his palms and bit the inside of his cheek enough to bleed but it didn't help and soon he had teary eyes and walked to Brendon to pull him into a hug, hoping the older boy didn't mind.

“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. God, I was stupid, I-I'm so sorry.” He mumbled and was happy that, although there was a moment of shock, Brendon did reciprocate the hug himself. 

“It's okay, Tyler, it is.”

“But why? Why'd you leave us at all if you're so sorry?” Patrick asked skeptically, ignoring the harsh looks his question got from both Josh and his own husband. 

Tyler felt nauseous again but he felt like if he didn't explain none of them would ever forgive him. 

He sat down in a seat at the dining room table, right next to Josh, and nodded. “I owe you guys all an explanation.”

“You don't have to.” Josh said firmly and Tyler nodded acknowledging that.

Tyler had never felt so exposed as he sat there, next to his best friend and facing his old friends about to tell them all about something he'd never told anyone else.   
He explained his situation at home, including how strict his father was regarding his dress and what he filled his time with. Then he recapped leaving the basketball team for the music club and even Alex’s warning and then he had to stop to again take a number of deep breaths. 

“There was this, like halloween party, and they cornered me in one of the rooms and just beat the crap out of me,” he glanced up at Brendon and could see that the other boy remembered that night as well., “and they told me they’d keep doing it until I dropped from the music club and stopped like, talking to you guys,” he gestured around the table with a shaky hand.

“Dude! You could have told us!” Pete interrupted.

Tyler shrunk back even more, grabbing at Josh's forearm with a death grip. “T-they said t-that if I told anyone they’d tell my dad I was- that I quit the basketball team and h-he’d he’d uhhhh-” Josh pulled his arm out of Tyler’s grip so he could grab his hand encouragingly.

“My dad was really… passionate about me being in basketball and if he heard I quit he’d, um, definitely kick me out.”

Tyler took a shaky breath trying to quell the overwhelming anxiety he was feeling. “So they did, like, keep, um.” He had to stop again, hyper-aware of the wide eyes staring at him from all sides. He felt so much guilt for abandoning his friends without a word and he was terrified that if he didn’t explain things to them all that Josh would take their side and leave him. 

“Ty… you don’t gotta explain this now, we can take off.” Josh whispered to him, snapping him out of his daze. 

“No! No no I can do this I’m sorry guys, um, so they like stalked me around the school everyday and would hit me and make me… say stuff that I didn’t want to say. It kept on like that till February,” Tyler could hear Pete whisper a ‘shit’ under his breath. “In February four of the guys, oh god,” he used the hand not holding Josh's to hide his face as he spat out the rest of his story.

“They f-followed me into the, the b-bathroom and t-touched, they held me against the wall and-and t-they,” Tyler couldn’t help it anymore and just stifled a sob by biting into his fist. He absolutely refused to meet the eyes of anyone at the table, and his hand hurt from how tightly Josh squeezed it now.

“I never thought they were gonna stop. They- I-I can't I’m sorry I’m so sorry,” He just couldn’t say anymore he couldn’t.

“That's okay,” he heard Josh whisper and he nodded, his eyes still shut and face turned towards the table, hidden by his free hand.

“But he made me promise not to talk to you guys again or he’d do it again but, he said he’d finish the job t-the next time.” He was sobbing now, shoulders shaking, and planted his face into the table, completely hiding his face with his arm.

“I threw away everything,” his voice was muffled by the table and his tears, “And stopped talking to all of you. I was so scared. I know I should have reached out but I was, I still am, so fucking terrified.”

He felt Josh pry his hand away from his own and his heart broke for a moment before he felt Josh's entire arm wrap around him pulling him against the stronger boy, “I am so sorry that happened to you, Tyler. I wish I could have been there.”

Tyler heard a thunk in front of him and looked up to see Brendon had brought him some tissues and a glass of water. “Thanks.” He winces and wiped his nose and took a sip of the water. He gauged his friends reactions and felt bad to see Patrick had tears in his own eyes and Pete just looked angry. He just hoped he wasn't angry at him. If Tyler were them he’d be angry at him; Tyler was Tyler and he was angry at himself. 

“Tyler,” Patrick spoke, “I didn't know anything like that happened, damn it I feel so bad for being so angry at you for so long.”

Tyler shook his head, “No, really I should have told someone.”

“Have you ever told anyone else about this? A teacher or the police?” Josh asked from beside him and Tyler sat up and looked over at Josh now, to see year tracks down his cheeks and his lip was bleeding. 

“No, I couldn't. No one would believe me, people had to think I was still on the team, and if I was, they wouldn't have done that.” 

“Did your parents hurt you?” Pete asked then realising how blunt he was quickly added an explanation, “I mean like you had to know if they had just kicked you out we'd all let you live with us.”

Tyler nodded and leaned his body again Josh's, just relishing in the comfort of having Josh hold him. Having Josh keep him safe.

“Yeah. A couple times he hit me. Like when I told him I didn't do a sport in grade 10, or when he caught me with mascara or nail polish. But nothing severe. He threatened to kill me once, when he was drunk, he said if I ever tried, um, if I ever got caught with a guy, r-romantically, he'd strangle me.” Tyler's eyes were closed again and Josh's arm around him was too tight. “He, um, broke my arm once. When h-he found out I wasn’t in basketball.”

“I wish we'd known.” Pete mumbled. 

“We would have helped you, Tyler. Fucking hell I cared, I do care, about you so much.” Brendon choked out. 

“I need a minute.” Tyler said quickly and stood up and took off back towards outside but locked himself in the bathroom he saw on the way out instead. He was disgusted with himself, he always had been since his last year of high-school, but talking about it, making it fresh again, made it so much worse. 

He looked in the mirror in the bathroom and felt sick, promptly retching towards the toilet, though nothing came out. His own reflection causing him to be sick, just looking at the shirt he was wearing, thinking about that fucking day. 

He hears a gentle knock on the door.

“I'm good,” he forced his voice to sound normal. 

“Now that I doubt.” Came Brendon's voice through the door and Tyler was surprised, he thought it would be Josh for sure. 

He opened the door, Brendon stepped in and Tyler shut it. He was reminded of all the times during the first semester of grade 12 that he and Brendon would escape the rest of the group and have private conversations. 

“I have a few questions for you, Tyler, and I know how difficult Patrick can be sometimes, and how hard it can be to be honest with someone whose opinion you care about, so I'm going to ask you in private.” Brendon said and Tyler nodded, sinking down onto the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. Brendon did the same but against the door. 

“First, are you gay?” 

“What?” Tyler was instantly defensive.

“I'm not asking in the way your dad or the douches at school would, like to insinuate something negative. I mean, are you gay? Or bisexual or pretty much any sexuality that means you like di-dudes.”

Tyler started shaking his head then stopped and sighed, “I don't know.”

Brendon nodded, “that's okay, that's normal. Next is you said you never told anyone about what happened, so you never got, like, psychiatric help?”

Tyler swallowed thickly and shook his head. 

“Okay, now do you think you should? Stop shaking your head, Tyler, therapy isn't always bad and it's never too late.” Brendon said. 

“I can’t.” 

“I doubt that. Now l know this is personal, but I'm really worried about what this shit you told us about might have done to your psyche and that's because I know how bad it was before that happened.” When Brendon said that, Tyler clenched his fists and locked his jaw but the older boy continued, “when you stopped talking to us I worried so much, and I know why now but I still wish you would have confided in us, in me, but now that I have the chance I want to make sure you're gonna be okay.”

“I will.”

“Have you ever hurt yourself, Tyler? Like on purpose.” 

Tyler shut his eyes and looked away but didn't answer verbally. He ignored Brendon's expectant sigh. 

“Have you ever _tried_ therapy?” Brendon asked. 

“Josh makes everything okay. I don't hurt myself when he's around, and we live together now.” Tyler mumbled. 

“Does Josh know?”

Tyler nodded. He had never told Josh, but they had discussed it after Josh saw him changing into pajamas one night and saw the scars on his thighs. 

“You know he really cares about you.” Brendon said, and once again Tyler just nodded. “And no matter what happened in highschool if you can’t go to Josh I’m gonna give you my number and you can always text or call me.” Again Brendon was met with a small nod. The silence that followed seemed to stretch on forever and finally Brendon was the one to break it.

“You good to go join the others? Pete called for pizza and it should be here soon.” Brendon asked.

“Mhmm,” Tyler hummed and stood up and followed Brendon out of the bathroom and back into the main room where the TV was playing some ludicrous adult cartoon and Josh was nodding to some joke Pete told. 

“Hey, Tyler, I ordered pizza, Josh said you'd want Hawaiian.” Pete said when he saw Tyler.

Tyler nodded and looked fondly at Josh, “Yep, that's my favourite.”

By the time pizza arrived everyone had gotten more comfortable, it was no longer awkward and tense, and while Tyler was still anxious, he just stayed close to Josh and tried to enjoy himself. After pizza Josh excused himself and Tyler for the night and they loaded into Josh's car. 

The drive home was quiet at first, just the radio playing in the background, then Josh reached over and shut it off. Tyler looked over at Josh to see tears were welling up in his eyes and his hands were shaking. “Are you going to be okay?” He asked, tone dead serious.

“I don't know I hope so.” Tyler answered honestly, “I'm okay when I'm with you.”

“I mean, like, okay have you tried to have a relationship or sex since then? Because if you didn't see a psychiatrist after that…” Josh trailed off with what he was saying.

“I have.” Tyler answered carefully.

“Was it, er, okay?”

“Not really,” Tyler was avoiding providing details about what happened with Jenna. 

“Then maybe you should consider therapy?” 

“No. Why?”

Josh chewed on his lip for a moment, trying to decide what to say before speaking slowly and carefully. “Because I don't want what they did to you to ruin your whole life. I don't think you should let them keep making things bad for you. They ruined your friendships, your happiness, but now you can take it back. Like you did with how you like to dress.” 

“I'm too scared.” Tyler answered simply, wringing his hand together in his lap. He wasn’t going to dodge around the bullet with Josh. 

Josh reached a hand over and grabbed one of Tyler's, “And I'm here to help you, every step of the way.”

They didn't speak again until they reached their shared apartment and then it was only small talk until they could both go to sleep. Tyler knew it would be a long journey into facing his demons, his memories, his worst fears, but with Josh to help him, he thought just maybe he could do it. 

He was here, and he had worn the clothes he liked, he had cried, and no one told him to man up, nobody said he was acting wrong. Nobody called him a girl or a ‘pussy’.

Tyler thought maybe things could be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Welp I hope you guys liked it. This started as a 2000 word '5 times' fic but I got invested I guess. I might continue it if I can muster up the motivation but no promises yet. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought if ya feel like it (:


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